The morning brings a slightly sultry breeze. The patio cushions are drenched and I fear they may never dry out. I sit on a folded towel sipping my coffee. My mood today is somber. Watching the tweet’s, to my pleasure I view a few set’s of young doves and blue birds amongst the breakfast club. This sight lifts my spirit and reminds me of… new life. I needed that on this Memorial Day as my heart remembers the dead. Death is all around us, and it’s not just in war but in our very homes. Most of us have experienced death in one way or another. Old timer’s say there are two certain things in life “death and taxes” and they are correct. Knowing death exists, and accepting it when it happens are very different, and yet I feel the two must exist together or we could never survive the loss of a loved one. Knowing what to do when it happens to us, sometimes can be a very long journey and done on a day by day basis for most of that journey. As I reflect on the patio this morning, a song comes to mind titled… How Do I Live. As I hum the melody and recall the words it sparks within me the desire to give my answer to this soulful question.
I experienced death early at the age of eight when my step father died. I remember the funeral and standing near the casket looking at his body, I looked so closely I truly thought I could see his chest rise and fall, as if he were still breathing. Mother and I knew that he had died, but to accept it she convinced us both that he was on vacation and would return. I lived a few years with confusion, fear and anxiety anticipating and questioning his return. I know my mother meant well, and that the shock of this left her numb. She wasn’t thinking clearly, and even though she herself at age nine had lost her own mother, and later an infant child, she did not know how to accept death. I’m sure with all that loss in her life, she wondered “How do I live, without you”. As her mourning years moved along, she did turn to her faith in God and eventually was strong enough to realize that she could live without her husband, mother and child. She leaned on the truth of the bible, and struggled daily with knowing how to allow the Holy Spirit to comfort and guide her and not food, alcohol or pills. It was when I was a teenager that I began putting legs on my own faith. I dug into the word and built for myself a relationship with God. During this time I came to better understand death, and eternal life in Heaven. As I grew closer to God, I knew….. I could never live without Him.
Marrying a military man, who also became a police officer has never left me fearful. I know death is expected for us all, and I do not fear but accept that it will happen to him. If I made up in my mind some pretend scenario to accept death, or put that in the minds of our children then I would not be doing any of us any justice. I know most of all the theories out there regarding death, but they leave me unfulfilled. Again, I rely on what the Holy Bible teaches me, and am satisfied by the presence of the Holy Spirit in my life. I have hope in the death and resurrection of Jesus, and that goes for my family and all of us who believe and accept Christ. This way of accepting does not mean that I do not shed tears when people die, or feel sad and almost daily miss those who are gone.
Not that long ago, in Afghanistan my husband was ten seconds from driving into a bomb blast. Heart wrenchingly, it did hit four Army soldiers right in front of him. I know at times he was angry that it wasn’t him, they were so young and had a lot of life to live. He knows that death will happen, being able to accept it when it does is a must for him to continue doing his police and military job’s. I never once ask myself how I would live, without him. I know that the good Lord will carry me through, comfort me, guide me and provide for me. I do not know every detail of how he will, but I know that He will.
Join me dear reader, if you are going through a difficult time after loosing someone, I hope you will reach out. I can share with you all that God has to offer you. I have ears to listen, and a shoulder to lean on. If you have any questions, if you have anger, fear, doubt and need to vent, or if you have faith and it seems weak, please feel free to contact me. juliemahan63@yahoo.com or via facebook, or even click on the prayer request room on this website. Anything, you would ever share with me, I will be praying for you, and I will keep confidential, unless you are thinking of harming yourself.
“Our God, we know that because of the original sin, now disease, accidents, war and death come to us all. Bring peace to the world, healing and comfort to the hurting. Spark within us that desire to seek you, follow you and to rely on you and your Holy Spirit to help us accept death, and have hope in eternal life In your Son Jesus name Amen.”